At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
You Might Also Like
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet