At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Suuuuure
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
fr
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?