At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
a public service announcement
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..