At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?