at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
You Might Also Like
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart