at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
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ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
what it’s like dating me:
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it