at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim