Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
You Might Also Like
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Come back with a warrant
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now