@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

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@Darlainky

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

@noog

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

@ch000ch

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

@momjeansplease

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

@KingsnorthAP

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

@copymama

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

@nyquills

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

@rclyne02

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

@Dutchtica

2 eggs
1 tblspoon salt
1/2 litre milk
2 tblspoons honey
200 gram wholeweat flour
30 grams sugar
tightrope
live badger

– recipe for disaster

@WilliamAder

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.