@I_Bl33d_Purple: At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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@Parkerlawyer: *signing divorce papers* Client, “Thank God that’s over.” Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.” Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.” Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.” Client *bursts into tears*
@on_the_fritz_17: If you're going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.