At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.