At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
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If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
ugh not again
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls