Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

my fav colour is also hitler

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Me redecorating every room in my mind

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms