Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.