At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted