At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.