Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

this post was so formative to me

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that