at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k