Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

◾️

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe