at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
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Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.