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Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
oh my god
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza