Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”