Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

yeet

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics