[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
👾👾👾
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Tapped in
i just found this in my phone
