Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.