[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
At least try to make it slightly believable
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.