At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
