At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
