At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
