At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
