At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
