Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]