[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
You Might Also Like
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.