At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly