At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful