At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.