*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.