*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I hate everything
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus