at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.