Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.