At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.