At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.