At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.