At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
And then there were 4
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
