At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
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me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!