At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
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Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
This is Sparta
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.