At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.