At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.