Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

it’s the silliest best thing

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

How funny!

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

Great acting.. 😂

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.