At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
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[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.