At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
You Might Also Like
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I identify as an antique shop.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me