At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy