At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Art by Pastelkatto
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
my proudest tweet
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
absolute chaos
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?