Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

When you can’t find your friend Neil

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.