Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

I mean…but I did

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

My dog learned how to text

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.