At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Toxic snake
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys