Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

Meow?

I wish all tests were things you peed on

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate