At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
