At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
You Might Also Like
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!