At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
selena gomez
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.