At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
The government even made aliens boring
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.