Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.