Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”