At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”