At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
nyc:
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.