At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
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Hmm, not sure about this change
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Punctuation Matters. Period.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.