At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
You Might Also Like
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
sleeping beauty
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“i am a sweet baby”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.