At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
middle school in the ’90s
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country