At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.