At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
black phone good
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?