At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
selena gomez
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus