At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.