At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
If only
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day